Types of Love Affairs and What to Do About Them

Statistically, 60% of relationships break down after an affair. And yet 40% try to repair the relationship. Before we decide to leave or stay, let’s understand the types of cheating. According to the kind of affair, you can understand what pushes the man to look for somebody else and what are the chances of rebuilding trust in the relationship.

Fantasy Affair

This type of infidelity occurs in a relationship that is plagued by problems. These can be a trivial lack of money, domestic issues, illness of children or loved ones, or different patterns brought from the parental family or previous relationships. Problems accumulate, and tension between spouses grows along. The inability to talk and solve problems together makes the relationship impasse. Over time, the relationship becomes distant, lacking emotional intimacy, trust, openness, and support.

The man feels that it is a failed relationship. In another relationship, everything will be different, and you just need to start from scratch, he thinks. Would you say that’s running away from problems? YES! But too many people genuinely believe that problems won’t catch up to them in other relationships. They run from routine in search of novelty. They hope to become successful in all areas of the relationship (sex, finances, parenting). Sometimes men who fail at being “good fathers” hope to become “good stepfathers.” If it is a romantic fantasy, the man searches for the “ideal woman.”

Is it possible to rebuild a relationship with this type of infidelity? The answer is yes. But only if the man accepts the responsibility to deal with problems, not run from them. And, of course, the restoration of the relationship depends on whether the woman will be willing to deal with her painful feelings, whether she will be able to trust again, and whether she will find the strength to cope.

Protest Affair

It occurs in a relationship where the man does not feel valued by his woman – most often in a relationship where the wife is constantly criticizing, controlling, and instructing. But sometimes, a man’s low self-esteem is rooted in his childhood. In other relationships, the man will look for opportunities to prove his importance, need, and “coolness.” His goal is to find an accepting woman who will praise and idolize him. He believes in the illusion of a radically new relationship without serious commitment, in which everything is different.

Is it possible to fix such a relationship? Yes. Where there is protest, there are feelings. If he wants to keep the family and move on with you, it is in your eyes he wants to see his value. Something made him leave, but something will make him come back.

Tease Affair

In this type of cheating, a man is looking to get his wife’s attention and feel important in her eyes. He usually says, ‘I felt like her feelings for me were fading. I was afraid of losing her, so I defiantly cheated with another. I wanted to prove my woman’s love to myself, that I am valued, and that I do not want to let it go.’

Such a man is genuinely surprised when he gets the opposite result when a woman says, “I will not stay with you. I won’t be able to trust you.”

In this case, the restoration of the relationship after infidelity depends more on the affected partner. After all, the cheating man has never doubted his feelings. On the contrary, he committed a cruel, stupid act to keep his beloved. Only now, the question is, will she want to regain her trust?

Burnout Affair

This type occurs in couples where constant fighting leads to a gradual estrangement from each other. The partners did not talk and did not try to cope together. With this type of cheating, the man is looking for an emotional (“human”) relationship, feeling needed, important, loved, and “alive”.

It is a dangerous type. The chances of keeping the family together are tiny. Better seek an EFT (emotionally focused therapist). This kind of family psychotherapy can breathe life into a relationship and rekindle your love. This method does not advise how to forgive an affair, but it can revive feelings if any smoldering embers are left.

Hedge Fund Affair

This type of adultery arises out of fear of being abandoned. Sometimes this fear is well-founded: the wife threatens to leave or demonstrates in every possible way that the man means nothing to her. But sometimes, the fear of loneliness is associated with deep childhood traumas (loss of a loved one, rejection and bullying by peers, parental abuse).

The man will look for a “back-up” to reduce anxiety about the future and cope with the fear of loneliness, to feel needed and essential to many people. Here we are often talking about multiple infidelities. The woman says, ‘I can’t forgive. The ghosts of other women will always be present in our bedroom.’ But the reality is different. In this case, the ability to forgive infidelity depends on the seriousness of feelings for the other woman.

What Now?

Share your feelings. First, the cheating partner needs to listen to the woman, understand how she feels, and accept responsibility for the pain caused. Then, he also needs to share his hurt feelings and tell what led him to cheat. But only after he has listened and accepted his wife’s feelings.

To forgive cheating, a woman must be sure that the cheating man is fully aware of the damage done and that he will never want to hurt her like that again – this is the only thing that can restore trust.

Often, instead of accepting responsibility for the pain he caused, the man makes excuses. ‘You were a bad wife, and you didn’t appreciate me, you didn’t respect me.’ Then the woman thinks he does not admit his responsibility so that it will happen again. It only hurts her more, and there is no chance for forgiveness. Man devalues treason: ‘it was only once, I was drunk, everyone cheats,’ etc.

Conclusions

This article is about male cheating, but everything written above also applies to female affairs. There are almost as many women who cheat. And women are ruled by the same motives. Our answer to the question, “How do I forgive cheating?” is to look for an emotionally focused family therapist. Infidelity is a very difficult ordeal. Don’t be left alone with it.