How to Conquer Your Insecurity

Insecurity is the fear of showing your true self, feelings, and thoughts. As if one is not good enough the way one is. And since that is the case, there is fear that significant people may reject or deprive you of recognition.

If you feel you’re not good enough, it’s tough to succeed in a professional field or to find your vocation. After all, if you’re not confident in yourself, your attention is focused on other people. As a result, you do everything to please or conform to the people who matter to you. And in doing so, you have no time or energy left for yourself. So, instead, you’re constantly bombarding others with questions about what they like, what they want, or how they feel. Thus, insecurity makes you live the lives of others – and how do you imagine a happy relationship built on such a foundation?

Signs of Insecurity

• You please out of fear of losing meaningful relationships.
• You are submissive, even if it hurts you.
• You are afraid of looking bad, so you don’t want to appear in public.
• You try to fit in to earn recognition or approval.
• You do not set big goals for fear that you will not succeed.
• You may be jealous or create relationships with multiple partners simultaneously for fear of being alone.
• You don’t ask for help for fear of being rejected.
• You are afraid to say no.
• Sometimes you create an image of a superhero, a super successful person, so that people won’t notice your insecurity.

Causes of Insecurity

More often than not, the causes of insecurity lie in childhood. A newborn child has no self-awareness, but self-esteem is formed from day one. First, the baby cried, and then it was approached, taken in the arms, rocked, and fed. What signals does the baby get? ‘I am needed, I am valuable, I am good, I am loved, I am safe.’ Now suppose the baby cries, and the mother does not show up. Instead, she reads some nonsense parenting brochures and teaches her baby to be independent of birth. The signals, in this case, are, of course, ‘I’m not needed, my feelings don’t matter, it’s useless to call for help, no one will come anyway, I’m not loved.’

Parents have the most significant influence on a person. After all, a child, unlike most cubs of the animal world, cannot survive without parents. A calf or foal is born and immediately gets on its feet. The baby is completely defenseless and dependent on its parents. It will die if it is not approached, fed, or warmed. Therefore, a child learns to ‘earn’ the love of parents if it can’t get the love for ‘free’. It is when the inclination to focus on the feelings and desires of others is formed.

As a child grows up, the people around them keep contributing to forming their self-image. Parents, teachers, or coaches say you’re good, provided you meet their requirements. But no child has yet been able to meet all the demands. It’s impossible! The child doesn’t know that, though. They think they can’t do it, and others have it differently. So they learn to see their shortcomings and devalue their strengths.

It is even worse if significant adults criticize or bully them hurtfully. Such adults are distorting mirrors for the child. They look into these distorted mirrors and form an idea of being weak, inept, and a failure.

On the contrary, sometimes insecurity is caused by overprotective parents, running around and clucking ‘I will do everything for you, you can’t do it yourself, don’t do sports, it’s dangerous, don’t be friends with other children, they can’t be trusted.’ Sometimes the cause of insecurity is moving house often and a subsequent change of schools. It is difficult for a child to fit into a new group.

So how does one overcome insecurity? Unfortunately, it is impossible to do instantly and will take a fair amount of effort.

Remedies to Insecurity

• Write down a list of instances when you have been successful. It doesn’t have to be something grand. Small victories count too. It can be any completed task. Become aware of what it was that helped you succeed then. Use these strategies in the future.
• Write down what facts indicate that you are a good person and appreciated, loved, and respected.
• Learn to stop your inner voice from criticizing you. Self-criticism only adds to insecurity. That doesn’t mean you have to praise yourself for your mistakes. Instead of criticizing, you can tell yourself that everyone makes mistakes, and you need to find a way to fix them.
• Stop relationships where you are humiliated, criticized, suppressed – or learn to stand up for yourself.
• Find people who will share your values, your interests, who will support you, and who will appreciate your talents. In other words, create an environment that is a supportive mirror instead of one that puts you down.
• Shift your focus from other people to yourself. Ask yourself: what do I want, how do I feel. Voice your feelings and desires to people.
• Learn to ask for help, despite the fear of being rejected.

Mindset Against Insecurity

Do what you are afraid to do, but try to imagine the outcome first – what makes you feel afraid? For example, if you are scared to say no, assume what would happen if you dare. You may be fearful that the person will be offended and won’t talk to you. Ask yourself what the positive outcome of the situation could be after you say no, note for yourself which assumption was correct, and carry on with your life.

Instead of endless fear of “what if it doesn’t work”, “what if they refuse”, “what if I lose”, “what if I’m wrong”, you must act and test everything in real life. Mark Twain wrote, ‘I lived a life full of disasters that never happened.’ So don’t let the illusion of fear consume your life or turn it into a disaster.

If interactions with other people scare you, build a hierarchy of fears from small to large. For example, interacting with two people is a little scary, interacting in an informal setting is more frightening, and attending a party with many people is even more terrifying. Start overcoming the smallest fear until you get to the big one. Don’t rush to the next step until you’ve dealt with the previous one.

Last but not least: stop comparing yourself to other people. Instead, think of yourself at a younger age and look at what has changed in your life, what you have overcome, and what you have achieved. Set realistic goals, and do not shove inadequate demands down your own throat.