6 Intimacy Lessons: What Highly Sensitive Person Can Teach Us About Love and Relationships

We no longer need to live in crowded groups to survive physically, but human beings remain social primates, and we still need intimacy with other people to live healthy and meaningful life. Such a need conflicts with the particularities of today’s narcissistic, self-centered culture. Psychologists advise learning how to approach intimacy from highly sensitive people.

It is believed that modern society is prone to narcissism, and some studies confirm that. Since many people build their lives centered around the representation of their ego and are constantly looking for affirmation of their importance – which is further promoted by social networking algorithms.

Some scientists consider narcissism, not a personality type but a character trait that can be expressed in different degrees in various people, depending on the environment.

Culture strongly influences how we judge other people and how we choose to treat them. It is evident in a study of elementary school-age children in Shanghai and Canada. The study found that sensitive, quiet children tended to be among the most respected by their peers in collectivistic China. In contrast, in individualistic Canada, such children were considered the least respected. Perhaps the Western-oriented “self-centered” culture provokes us to assert ourselves by actualizing narcissistic traits and indulging aggression?

Such a social environment is not conducive to developing attentiveness to one’s neighbor, empathy, and the ability to sustain deep emotional contact with others – skills that help to create genuinely intimate relationships.

Paradoxically, turning our attention to a different relationship style with ourselves and others is precisely what people who are not considered ” belonging” in narcissistic culture can do. So perhaps we can learn an alternative way of interacting with others from highly sensitive people?

In fairness, some studies refute the idea that narcissism is a core trait of Western communities.

What is the Highly Sensitive Nervous System?

From 15 to 20 percent of people are born with more sensitive nervous systems than most people have. People with such a neural organization are more attentive, read more information, are sensitive to the subtleties and nuances of situations, and are prone to intense reflection.

Highly sensitive people are relatively few; they tend to avoid open confrontation and therefore try to share the majority’s views. However, their sensitive nervous system gives them advantages in interacting with the world, which, taken as principles, can counteract aggressive impressions.

For example, highly sensitive people often try to make others feel comfortable around them. It may occur, consciously or not, for several reasons, for example, the special ability of such people to perceive another’s mood and the susceptibility of the sensitive nervous system to the influence of the environment. After all, by improving the condition of another and, therefore, the environment, such a person indirectly improves their own as well.

By observing the vibrant lifestyle of highly sensitive people, we can learn a unique approach to intimacy from them.

The highly sensitive nervous system does not make a person an ideal partner from birth. All the “bonuses” of such a system are available to highly sensitive people if they are in tune with their sensitivity and can consciously use its features. However, if such people deny their sensitivity or are afraid of it, all these qualities will backfire both for the person and their partners.

Empathy

Highly sensitive people are incredibly attentive to the feelings of others and the subtleties of communication, both verbal and nonverbal. They can literally feel what others are experiencing, and their empathy draws others to them and makes people appreciate communicating with such empathetic people.

The days when we had a relationship and a family just to survive are far behind us in many developed countries. Now the psychological demands on relationships have increased: it is not enough to be physically present; many people are looking for someone with whom they can share the hardships of life, exchange feelings, and reduce loneliness.

What can the empathy of highly sensitive people teach us?

First, emotions are part of their nature. If they accept their sensitivity, contact with them will help the partner see their rich emotional world as well, which will significantly enrich the couple’s life.

Second, the big problem now is that capitalism and market relationships have moved into personal relationships. You can often hear the question, “What do you have to offer me in a relationship?” People tend to consume as much as possible, including each other – which hurts intimacy and does not tolerate exploitation. A relationship built through empathy can help you get into the other person’s shoes more

often and understand how they feel by taking a gentle stance toward the other person. Highly sensitive people can open your eyes to things you would usually overlook, notice the two sides of a coin, and give meaningful advice.

Deeper Contact

Highly sensitive people love one-on-one conversations about deep topics, and these conversations enhance and strengthen relationships. They think deeply about what has happened, and they quickly notice when a conversation has lost its thread. It’s also easier for them to recognize the truth in lies and see undertones that many people overlook.

Clinical psychologist Elaine Aron had written about how she felt a difference in her workshops when most of the participants were highly sensitive. First, there is the quality of silence: highly sensitive people subtly experience silence just by listening. Secondly, highly sensitive people are very delicate about ethics: they listen to the interlocutor carefully and may not even move to avoid disturbing what the other person is saying or confusing the interlocutor.

Intimacy

The desire for deep contact helps a lot to build close relationships. Modern humans have many ways to avoid boredom: there is always access to social networks, where you can communicate with someone, but this not only does not reduce the feeling of loneliness but also increases it. The cure for loneliness can be the intimacy found in personal relationships.

Intimacy is an experience of togetherness, unity, and a sense of belonging to something greater than yourself. Being intimate means revealing your innermost self: your thoughts, feelings, and body, to be authentic. In return, the other reveals their self. But, of course, none of this is possible without trust, and trust can be considered the best condition for healing from feelings of loneliness.

But intimacy is scary, as it is always vulnerable to the pain of separation or rejection. Many things now contribute to not getting close: you can communicate only by texting, use pictures to tell about your life, constantly consume new information without trying to feel it out, and change partners on dating apps.

For highly sensitive people, feelings of fear and pain are more common because they experience them much more often. Those who accept their peculiarities, live with them, and are used to vulnerability have learned to be in touch with it – this is what makes highly sensitive people more open to intimacy with others.

But you shouldn’t confuse openness to intimacy with a lack of fear of it. But remember that highly sensitive people are not superior in awareness by default.

Loyalty

Since a highly sensitive person entering into a relationship is a long process in which they think long and hard about what to do and are often very hesitant to make a decision, they do not tend to abruptly break up a relationship when they encounter difficulties. For highly sensitive people, changes are always stressful, so they will not decide to end a relationship in the heat of the moment if they see any potential. In addition, highly sensitive people are prone to deepening relationships, and it is only possible in a long-term commitment.

Loyalty in a relationship, like everything, has two sides: it can also be a negative thing because it makes you stay in a relationship even when it is no longer satisfying or even harmful. But it is still necessary to build long-term relationships in which depth and real intimacy are possible.

Relationships, especially long-term ones, are not always cloudless. In the book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” research psychologist John Gottman says that couples who stayed in their relationship and those who broke up had the same amount of problems. The difference was the choice to remain loyal to the relationship or not. Without loyalty, it is impossible to stay in a relationship.

Conflict Behavior

Highly sensitive people are pretty good at managing disagreements. Because of their high level of empathy, highly sensitive people are often capable of putting themselves in the other person’s shoes and seeing their side of the argument.

The ability of highly sensitive people to see details helps them notice the beginning of the conflict, which they often try to prevent – after all, they are usually the first to suffer from aggression, so they are closer to the strategy of avoiding conflict rather than bringing it to a quarrel.

But overexcitement can significantly affect the behavior of highly sensitive people, so it’s crucial for them to monitor their level of arousal and take a pause to deal with conflict situations.

Constant Search for Relationship Meaning

Highly sensitive people tend to reflect and ponder what happens to them.

Modern Western culture encourages performance and financial solvency by describing it through the concept of “success.” And all of us pay dearly for this: great exhaustion, apathy, confusion, and loss of meaning.

But highly sensitive people are usually more focused on finding meaning in what they do. Success is not about material prosperity, and they often leave jobs they don’t find worthwhile. Their ability to process information more profoundly helps them notice that consuming things or people does not make them happy. What really captivates them is exploring themselves and finding their way. Because of their sensitivity, they feel the transience of time through their skin, which can allow them to live their lives in a more meaningful way.

So in a world of tinder and the rapid consumption of others, highly sensitive people continue to think about the deep meaning of relationships. Superficial relationships are too exhausting for them, so in love, they are willing to work hard to create a deep, meaningful connection that increases the likelihood that they will succeed in creating a strong and healthy connection despite the challenges they face.